I was out and about running errands yesterday and as I waited in line, I noticed the woman in front of me had on some fabulous heels. I ooh’d and ahh’d in my mind before tapping her on the shoulder and relaying to her that I liked her heels. Her reply? An eyeroll and a suck teeth head nod. What’s up with that? Is it now against the law to compliment one another? And what happened to graciousness and saying thank you when given a compliment?
I posed this question to Twitter on my personal feed, and I got a plethora of answers from a lot of my followers. Most of us agreed that when you compliment a woman, it gets misconstrued or taken out of context. But my Twitter friend Malenga said it best:
“I think gracefully accepting compliments is becoming a lost art. For girls/women, especially. I think there’s a lot that women aren’t teaching girls anymore. Hence the desire girls seem to have to be “hard” or “bad.” Whatever happened to classy and elegant? Graceful?
Malenga certainly hit the nail right on the head when she mentioned that girls are not being taught to be gracious and to say thank you. When we were young, most of us were taught good manners and etiquette and we better had used it or our heads would be on a platter. Now that it seems that being gracious is not a priority to many, the result is a society of people who do know how to co-exist in a world where manners still do matter.
Could this be because as parents, some of us have dropped the ball, or does it go further than that? Are our daughters so much on the defense because of a lack of a father figure that they lash out by bring aggressive and rude? Has it made our little girls “harder” individuals because they cannot believe that someone would dare give them a compliment? Is it a sign of low self esteem?
I have so many questions and not nearly enough answers. With my six year old daughter, I constantly remind her to say thank you and please and be gracious. She is my little girl, who will one day be a grown woman, and I want her to act accordingly. When she doesn’t use good manners, I am quick to remind her of her faux pas and correct it before it becomes a bad habit. If I don’t take the initiative with her, who will?
So, I am posing this question again to you, my readers. Ladies, do you compliment other women? And if so, what’s been the response? What is your response when another woman compliments you? I am anxious to hear your answers.
VERY interesting question! I tend to compliment other women a lot. If I like something, I'll let someone know. On the flip-side, I genuinely appreciate when I receive a compliment from another woman. I feel that it's more genuine (in my eyes) because when men compliment me I sometimes wonder why or if they're trying to "holla" or whatever. Lol I think, though, that so many of us AREN'T taught good manners, or to say please and thank you, in general. It's sad. I always say that when I have children I will instill the same values I was taught – as you are also doing with your daughter. I notice MANY changes in the generation coming up and it doesn't make me happy 🙁
I'm so right there with you. I have a 4 year old daughter and everyone is so surprised and shocked when she says please and thank you. Why is it NOT the norm that our children are not courteous and polite.
I also had a weird experience complimenting a woman at a friends wedding. Her purple dress was to die for and when she was walking by I gushed about how gorgeous I thought the dress was, she looked me up and down and as she walked away said thanks. I was really caught off guard, because I went out of my way to give her a compliment and she didnt have the courtesy to even give me 1 minute of her time. Ugh, females. But why is it that way? Why are we in such extreme competition with each other. Why dont we compliment each other more?
I compliment other women all the time, and usually I get a gracious and appropriate thank you. When I receive a compliment, I'm over the moon! I genuinely appreciate the kindness and smile at my little "Go Me!" moment. Malenga is right though, perhaps we are not showing our younger sisters how to be polite and gracious to us and especially to each other. We have only begun to truly fight for them again, and I believe that our mentoring programs *should* include etiquette and demeanor. My mom insisted upon it as a condition of my playing basketball, and I in turn insist that my boys always treat each other and others with respect and honor until they show themselves undeserving of such. Today, we are simply too much on the defensive (often with good reason!) and we don't show our children how to simply treat one another. – @DoktaDivah
I compliment other women all the time on anything they are wearing that I think looks fabulous and have always been acknowledged with a thank you from the recipient. I have no problem receiving compliments either and will thank the person making the compliment. I think that some women just don't know or understand how to take a compliment, and were never taught by their mother's, grandmothers, and aunt's (who are a lot less younger today than they were back in the day) that when someone says something nice to you, you should acknowledge it with a thank you.
Great post! The female compliment drama can be attributed to a few things, I think:
1) Women aren't taught to be gracious anymore — You covered this well. Older women in my life (grandma's age, roughly) carry themselves well and are liberal with the thank-you's and smiles. Somehow, that hasn't been passed to today's ladies, either because our moms weren't home a lot because they were serving as the main breadwinners, or because niceties in general aren't considered standard behavior.
2) Women are suspicious of compliments — Today's world unfortunately forces us to be skeptical when kindness is shown. No matter if the compliment giver is male or female, our brains start thinking "Ok, what's the catch? What's the sales pitch? What do they really want?" when someone says "Your hair is lovely."
3) The "mean girl" complex still exists — I hate to put this out there, because it sounds like a scapegoat, considering how often it has been used in movies and whatnot, but it exists. When other women compliment us, we often wonder "Does she REALLY think my dress is pretty? Is she secretly thinking that I bought this at <insert uncool store here>?" On the other hand, we may not extend compliments to other women ourselves because we're envious of beautiful clothes, body features, etc. that we don't possess ourselves.
Obviously, this isn't true for all women. These are just some of the things my friends and I have discussed. It's likely why I have more guy friends than girl friends. :p
That chick was just rude. I compliment other women and have received compliments from other women and it's no biggie. I've never received the eyeroll or attitude for giving a compliment and have certainly never been anything other than gracious when receiving one. I always smile and say "thank you." Not everyone responds that way, but typically they will at least acknowledge what I've said. If not, oh well, shame on them.
I've never thought of this along the lines of the bigger issue of women not knowing or being taught how to be gracious. I'm sure there is a generation or two that missed out on being taught manners and common courtesy due to changing priorities and morals, the crack epidemic, etc. Truth be told, they've missed out on a lot more than learning how to accept a compliment. I agree with a previous comment that stated that women tend to be skeptical of one another; which I actually think stems from a sense of competitiveness for everything from jobs to men.
Of course I'm not saying that I compliment every woman I see who has on a cute outfit, cute shoes, hairstyle, whatever. That would just take up too much time. However, I have no problem with doing so when the spirit moves me. A few months ago I randomly complimented a woman who has since become one of my good friends. You never know what a little kindness will get you. At the very least, it can't hurt.
I have complimented women on a piece of jewelry they're wearing or on a hairstyle and I''ve almost always received a Thank You for them. However there has been one instance when I complemented a woman on a shoes and she just turned away. I was taken aback by her reaction because I thought it was very rude. But I just reminded myself that she wasn't taught good manners or she had always expected someone to give her a compliment and felt the need to not thank them. I just kept it moving and didn't let that one instance effect me as an entire whole. And whenever I see a woman when something nice on, I'm a little hesitant at first but feel as though that compliment may boost her confidence that day.
OMG…. I posted this the other day during a Twitter TT! #idosupport complimenting other females but some of you are too defensive to accept it. (I’m leaving out my colorful language I posted)
I do not have kids but have noticed that this “I’ve got haters” mentality is going to RUIN basic/common courtesy in our culture. There us something wierd going on that if you are nice to someone you must be “casing the joint” & tryn to get 1 up on them. I have never met a stranger, grew up in San Diego & am used to diversity. I don’t experience this snub in other cultures. Instead I can spend a good 15 minutes trading secrets on “finds” with a early 30’s Cambodian woman in Vickys Secret as if we go way back.
THANK YOU DANNI for posting this and raising your little girl to understand the value of a Thank You & a compliment. I honestly feel if women (mainly Blk women) get better at accepting compliments from each other, we wouldn’t be so flustered when a man does it. Fellas get credit nowawdays for stuff they should do because we are sooooo used to not appreciating ourselves. *jumps off soapbox*
I feel like no one says thank you anymore either. There's so much power in a simple thank you and many don't realize it.
As far as compliment other women, I do all the time! I feel like there's often this unspoken competion between women, so no one wants to give a compliment with the fear of being looked upon as the inferior of the two. Weird. Don't know what that's about.
I compliment people all day every day and sometimes have to tell myself to stop. I actually think my friends are so used to me doing it that if I don’t say something they think I’m sick. LOL! I’ve never gotten a negative reaction to one of my gushing compliments to someone, sorry you got a sucked toof and rolled eye (who does that?!). When I’m complimented I say thank you! I used to go on to share where I got said item (if applicable), but nowadays I’m teaching myself to just be grateful and move on.