I would like to think that I am self assured, confident, and worry free type of gal. I am all of the above, but in reality, there are times that I question my thoughts and actions. No matter how much of a Digital Debutante I am, I sometimes worry about fitting in and gaining the respect of others. And I have also dealt with the whole “why not me?” complex that has sometimes showed itself when another blogger is given an opportunity that I am not. Instead of wishing that blogger well and congratulating them on their success, I have gotten into the whole, it’s all about me phenomenon. “Why not me?” “Why wasn’t I chosen for this?”
Being jealous is something I try not to be. But I would be lying if I said I haven’t been envious of others for their successes, even if I am proud of them and wish them well.
Am I bipolar?
This all came to me as I was sitting in a session during Mom 2.0 Summit last weekend. Blogger Helen Jane was talking about making a “Jealousy Map” when we started to feel pangs of envy as it relates to others. Making this chart can help us rid the feelings of inadequacy in ourselves. Her presentation called Solutions for A Painful Internet: Drowning in Possibilities? Try these Remedies was just what the doctor ordered. It’s the Who, Why, and What that we first need to identify when we begin to feel that green-eyed monster creep up on us.
There was an instant in the past where I just felt so bad about another opportunity a fellow blogger had because I wasn’t chosen. I felt inadequacy because I had more traffic than her, more “influence”, and I felt that I was cooler. The opportunity was something that really fit the voice of my blog, and the judgmental me part thought that her blog wasn’t. And when I found out she got chosen and not me, I felt low. Lower than low. Why not me? I turned her good news into a pity party for myself. And I tried to congratulate her but it was hard. Of course, she knew that I wasn’t being genuine with my whole “way to go” speech. She was a friend who knew my personality, and could see when I was shucking and jiving. Damn her. Damn me. And damn that jealousy. I never knew what to do with that feeling. I prayed about it. Journaled about it. But after that, whenever we were together, I never felt like I was on her level. She was now in the big leagues and I wasn’t.
{Womp womp. Cue the violins.}
A year or so later, during Helen Jane’s fabulous presentation, it hit me. Jealousy is something that may happen. And if it does, I have a cure. I can talk about it, get it out, make a Jealousy Map, and move forward. I don’t have to wallow in my own self pity. And I don’t have to throw shade to my friend or fellow blogger because of my judgment. And most importantly, I don’t have to feel inadequate.
See this is something that has really helped me in recent months: What’s for me is for me, and what’s not is not. I can’t possibly be chosen for any and everything that others are chosen for. Nor should I. I am not going to be right for every campaign, every opportunity, every junket, every video ad, every paid blog post, et al. My authentic self won’t let me because if I am always keeping it real, I can’t say YES to it all. But what I can do is be thankful of what I am selected for. And be thankful for the fact that I am able to live and eat on my blog—not everyone is there yet. And doing that instead of looking at what I don’t have will get me farther than being jealous of someone else.
Because being jealous won’t get me anywhere.
But being thankful and happy and positive will. Because what you put out in the universe, you certainly get back.
So, let’s discuss it. Does jealousy ever rear it’s ugly head in your life? How do you handle it?
Gen X’ers, do you remember Hey Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms? I thought it was appropriate. Also, it reminds us how really old we’ve gotten!
This is so honest and authentic. I appreciate it.
I too have experienced jealousy at varying moments in my profession. I’ll meet fellow attorneys that I KNOW are pulling clients in left and right being sometimes unethical. But I began to understand that what’s for me, is for me…but also most importantly I should never envy anyone else for what they have because I don’t know the path they took to get there– and I may not want to take that path.
Their success doesnt take from mine and mine doesnt add to theirs. We’ll be successful together!
Andrea, thanks for commenting. There is room for all of us. But at one time, I let me inadequacy and insecurities get the best of me. I am not proud of that moment in m life, but I am going to use it as a lesson and learn from it. 🙂
I think everyone experiences this from time to time. I have definitely experienced it since I’ve been blogging for almost 5 years. It just got worse once I decided to figure out how to live off of my blog. Just recently I heard a sermon at church that helped me realize I have to let go of the jealousy I have towards other bloggy friends, be genuinely happy for them and know that my time is coming. As soon as I decided to do so, I started to get opportunities thrown at me from everywhere. Jealousy is a human condition, so we all have it. What makes it great is that because it’s a human condition, we can always find ways to eradicate it and have it not affect our spiritual condition.
Thanks for writing this. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only blogger experiencing this….and learning how to deal with it.
Amiyrah, I get Rick Warren’s daily testimonials in my inbox and a few weeks ago, the entire week of devotionals were about jealousy and how it isn’t something you should be because we should be thankful for what we have and not envious of others. That also put into perspective for me. It’s pretty easy to think the grass is greener on the other side when you aren’t seeing the whole picture. That along with Helen Jane’s presentation made me realize that I was wasting energy. Congratulate and motivate is my new anthem. What’s for me is for me. Thanks for commenting.
I love it! We all have been there in our lives whether it was about blogging or in our “real” lives. I realized that not every opportunity is from God or of God. I also was told by a wise person, “If you are in place where you’re not supposed to be or where you just want to be then you miss an opportunity that is just for you and from God. You missed out because you allowed flesh to take over God’s will for you.” I always try to remember that and I pray before I take on new clients and opps. I want to be just where God wants me to be so I can get what He has for me!
Great post!
Spinks as you know, our conversation brought on this post, and it felt good to let is out, even if it’s in blog form.
Great post! Rest assured this is such a normal sentiment because we are human. What’s up to us is what we do when the feeling of jealousy does show up. I learned {the hard way I’ll admit} years ago with a situation with a friend that, if I’m feeling jealous of someone {her at the time} that means there’s something in me I need to address. Nowadays I’ll take that thought to heart the moment jealousy raises its little head and try to do something about out w/o penalizing the object of my jealousy because, honestly, I should surround myself with people doing better than I am because that makes me strive for better.
Oh and I need more info on how to make a jealousy map. I love self-improvement tidbits like this.
Glammy, here is the link to the post Helen Jane wrote which is the actual presentation she administered during Mom 2.0 Summit. http://helenjane.com/2012/05/07/mom-2-0-presentation/. Enjoy! 🙂
Thanks for posting that link cos I was gonna ask the same question about the jealousy map!
So YES it’s in our nature to feel envious or a little jealous of others every now and then and I say it can be healthy. It can help us figure out what we really want, how we really feel, and if we need to look within and figure out what’s causing the jealously and ultimately inadequacy.
However, the ugly part of this is when we intentionally sabotage our fellow beings because of our feelings, which is not cool. OR when we wallow in our pity far too long like you mentioned, it can cause us to not be ourselves and cause all types of emotional and physical stress.
This is me speaking from experience. I’ll admit the same since we’re airing it all 😉 I used to be jealous of a VERY close friend back in the day. I finally had to sit back and realize that which I was jealous of, I truly didn’t want, especially not the way she got it.
Every now and then, jealousy rears its head and I try my best to get rid of it quickly and analyze the situation.
I need to see what this jealously map is all about! 🙂
Holy moly, I’m super flattered about this post!
And yes, it’s only because I was paralyzed by jealousy that I had to figure out how to work around it. And now, it’s just a pre-feeling to figuring out what the real issue is.
Sort of like that feeling before a sneeze.
If I focus on THAT feeling too long, I won’t sneeze and move on.
Here’s to growing and growing up on this wild new internet together!
Whenever I feel a rush of the green eyed monster is usually involves me feeling inadequate or “less than” other people. How do I cope? Sometimes I just need to remember that I’m doing this at my own pace & the fact that I blog on top of a full time job is amazing. Other times, I step in front of the mirror & get really honest, that other blogger got picked because she did her homework. I challenge myself to put on my big girl panties. Being jealous gets me nowhere, working hard gets me everywhere.
Thanks for providing food for thought just when I need it most, great post!