There has recently been a huge uproar surrounding No Wedding, No Womb, a movement started by a single mother who wants to end the supposed destruction of the Black family. But while I am not a supporter of #NWNW, I do see where the premise could be something positive in the community (before all of the name-calling and epithets that made it a comical event at best). But as women put off marriage for their careers and other “obligations”, how long is too long for cohabiting? When is it time to get married?
This was also brought to my attention during Bravo’s Flipping Out. In the reality series, Jeff Lewis’s sister-in-law assistant said that she had ben living with her beau for ten years and had not gotten engaged. 10 years?! How long does it take before there should be a marital commitment on the part of the relationship? In my opinion, 10 years is way too long.
There are those who do not believe that living together is right before marriage. But I think that the water should be tested before you tie the knot. Tested. But not ran into the ground. Ten years living together and no sign of commitment from a man is a sign that it isn’t going to happen.
Now true enough, at the end of the Flipping Out episode, the assistant was proposed to. But this is television, however, so who knows what role that played in him popping the question?
I think there should be a time limit in place to make sure you cohabitation does not become a common law situation. I think a year of living together is long enough to know if you want to truly spend your life with someone. Anything over that is, pardon the cliche, getting the milk for free.
Before I was married, my husband and I lived together for two years. We were engaged one year of that two years, and that was even stretching it.
Susan Sarandon, who had an “un-married relationship” with actor Tim Robbins for 20 plus years, went on the record saying: “I thought that if you didn’t get married you wouldn’t take each other for granted as easily,” she told the Telegraph. “I don’t know if after twentysomething years that was still true. You bring people into your life at certain times. Maybe you have a relationship to have children and you realize that it’s fulfilled after that point.”
Blah, blah, blah. After 20 years, he just wasn’t that into you, Boo!
I am so over No Wedding No Womb but the premise of women allowing men to have the trappings of marriage without marriage is played.
Speak on it….
Statistics show that ppl who live together before marriage are highly likely to divorce. I don’t know if that’s because of their attitudes about commitment or what. I lived with my ex- for 2 years before marriage, and we divorced a few years later, but I think that would have happened even if we had not “tested the waters”. No matter what anyone says, I am convinced that living together is NOT a trial run of marriage. Yes you learn things about each other that you might not when you have separate living quarters, but it is most def NOT the same after you say “I do.”
For the most part, when I see couples cohabitating for 10 years, to use your example, they don’t get married ever. Some couples don’t care, and sometimes one of them is just waiting for the other one to “cave in.”
I love blog posts like these that spark conversations about personal perspectives and experiences. I of course agree with your second point on 10 yrs, but as a person who lived with my husband before marriage, I am so glad I did. I learned so many things about him that I didn’t know, and I had known him three years before we moved in together. I don’t think I can rule out saying that living together or not living together before marriage will produce a more successful result because their are way too many divorces. But there must be limits of how long one “dates” or “lives together” before they jump the broom.
I gathered that Susan Sarandon was in favor of not marrying. She didn’t seem to be a passive player in the relationship ‘waiting’ for him to wife her. I’ve lived with someone. He was more willing to get married than I. I don’t have to get married. Domestic partnership/common law is fine with me, maybe for many people
You and I can only speculate if Susan did or did not want to marry. This post was not presented from the viewpoint of those women who don’t mind living with a man and not getting married. But for the women who trick themselves into thinking that one day it will happen. If both parties are realistic and both are on the same page of marriage, living together for an eternity is fine. For them. For me, playing wife is not an option.
Interesting topic! I’m a 25 year old woman who has been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We’ve been living together for 2. Engagement and marriage has definitely been talked about, so I don’t feel like I’m ‘fooling’ myself or playing wife by living with him for this long. Actually, I didn’t even think about that angle until I read this!
I guess if I was older (mid-30s) my perspective would be different. But I’m 25, we’re saving money by living in a house together, and we’re both loving it! Marriage is definitely in the cards for us (and I wouldn’t be living with him if it wasn’t!), but I’m in no rush whatsoever.
Thanks for posting this. It really gave me something to think about! Great content, as usual. 🙂
Thanks for commenting, Steph. I would say, as long as you are discussing it and communicating with one another about the future of your relationship and marriage, then you are on the right track. When these discussions cease or he no longer brings up the topic, then it might be time to have a CTJ conversation. You definitely want to save up and be ready but don’t let 3 years turn into 13 years.
Can you guess where I land on this one? Huh can ya?! YEP! 1 day is too long to be living w/ someone w/o a ring. Now, I’m realistic…I get that it happens…I even get that people technically have 2 abodes but tend to be at 1 all the time together so it’s dang near like they live together…I get it…really. But shoo, if 1 day ain’t too much then why is 1 week, 1 month, 1 year or 10…how can you draw a relative line on a subjective timeframe? It’s up to everyone what they want to do unless you do with an absolute. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it 😀
Of course, I knew without reading your comment on what side you would be. People claim they are shacking up during this time because of the economy and yes, it can help where finances are concerned. I do not judge those that live together first for whatever reason. But when it turns into a duration of years, Houston, we have a problem. Commit or quit!
I think that people should get married when and if they want. I don’t think that others should really say when it is too long because it depends on the people who are involved in the relationship and how they feel. There should be no time line. If the woman is happy being in a relationship but not married and doesn’t have a time line, why should anyone outside of that relationship have one for her? I care more about being with someone who loves me, and i the same, stable, committed, loving, trusting and all the other attributes i look for in a mate, if a man possesses those qualities, that is all that matters to me. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t important because it is. But it will happen if and when both parties agree.I don’t really get too caught up in the “Put A Ring On It” movement. I don’t say when or when someone should do something with their mate because i have my own to think about. Do what works for YOU….I could say so much more on this subject but i’m stuck in the “cubicle”….
I moved in with my husband after dating for only 6 months and we lived together for another 2 years before he proposed. But we were always talking about it.
My BFF has been with her boyfriend for 8 years, living together for 1 year and he still wants to wait another 2 years at least to get engaged. Um, why? Drives me crazy!